It’s called taking a Risk – or that’s how life works!

 It has recently become clear that many of us are willingly putting our lives in danger or exposing ourselves to harm in ways we have disregarded, ignored or just plain been ignorant of.

As a consequence your Government has issued a number of legislative changes to take effect immediately with the affect thereof protecting our citizens. It is in the words of a certain school principal ‘A safety Issue’.

The changes are:

• All beaches to be fenced off immediately. This will lessen likelihood of sunburn, sand rashes and allergic reactions to sea salt.
• Mobile phones banned. For many legitimate reasons such as zoning out can cause collisions, dropping of a mobile can result in the shattering causing a shard to fly up and make a one in 65 billion chance of lodging in someone else’s eye
• Tattslotto to be ceased. Winning first division could lead to coronary arrest from the elevated excitement level leaving the Tattersalls corporation and its agents liable to prosecution or action related to health outcomes
• Removal of concrete or asphalt from all schools. A shock finding shows that it is actually the connection sudden or otherwise with such surfaces which causes sprains, strains or broken bones.
• Abolition of the health industry. It is well known that illness thrives in a doctor’s surgery, hospital casualty ward and chemists. They are a huge risk to the health of all citizens
• Dissolution of parliament. The creation of laws, introduction of ‘levys’, and the mindless theatrics of all members of parliament can lead to frequent head spinning and loss of reason by their constituents.
• Supermarkets and stores selling food or any consumable item can only be accessed with prescriptions. Foodstuffs and beverages are known to be carcinogenic no matter what they contain, cause obesity even when 97% fat free (especially when that still means the 3% fat in that product is equivalent to five buckets of lard), rot your teeth, clog your arteries, dissolve your kidneys (whilst cleaning your coins) or empty your wallet inexplicably. Self serve checkouts which do not recognise your bag will be removed because...well they are just plain annoying.
• The cotton wool industry will become a protected industry under the ‘Mt Martha Act 2012’ administered by Gina Reinhart, Twiggy Forrester and Clive Palmer (because they can). This will ensure our young folk particularly but most others in general never have to take another risk, think for themselves, accept responsibility for their actions, consider the consequence of their choices, show courtesy or form a sentence in writing with any semblance of correct grammar or traditional spelling.
• The Privacy Act will be rescinded. This is widely understood as the ‘Facebook Amendment’ because clearly no one minds sharing all their personal information with the world, including people they would never cross the street to say hello to but will willingly call a ‘friend’ if it means outdoing someone else in the number of followers they have on the FBook page.

Anyone failing to follow any of the above will be sent by rickety boat to Utopia...a place Australia was once able to say it was...happy days