Sorry Fakebook, We Can't Be Friends Anymore

“Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.” -Anais Nin

Friendship is a funny thing isn’t it? I value it strongly and sometimes find it hard to imagine my life without my true friends. Sadly, at the same time as I ponder on that thought someone comes along and surprises me in the worst possible way, let’s me down, causes me to feel hurt or just drops me cold and I am left to wonder ‘why’.

Why Facebook chose to use the word ‘friend’ instead of ‘follower’ or ‘hanger on’ ‘circle ‘or ‘another number to my list’ is not a great mystery. It’s a touchy feely term that is very human and generates an emotional response – therefore more likely to be attractive. Also it was used in College face-books so carried over to the online concept originally. My added theory is Mark Zuckerberg had very few friends at College so why not create an ‘ideal world’ and call them friends – a bit like our make believe friend as kids. However is a friend in this case just an audience? Is a Facebook friend just an extra notch on the board? Do we check our friendships on Facebook in the same way we do in ‘real life’ – would I want to be my friend? It’s even now considered a verb ‘to friend someone’ or ‘friend me’.

I despair at the diminution in value of this precious word and it is why I refer to this social medium as Fakebook.

Before you jump on me and say I’m out of the age group Fakebook is designed for anyway did you know a THIRD of Fakebook users are over 50? In the latest Census only 1% of gays said they were in a committed long term relationship and yet we are agitating for them to be ‘heard’ on the subject of marriage so...whatever! I was actually an early adopter of Facebook. I originally had a page in early 2005 after hearing a discussion about it on radio. It started to really take off globally around the same time. I’d get a friend request and I felt good (warning right there surely...I felt valued when I got a friend request? Was it a throwback to feeling part of the gang when I was chosen for a team at school?)

Back then Facebook was a conversational tool, an online forum where people could hang out together. It was cool and it had life but it was just a little, well ‘fake’. I even had a stalker!!!

It didn’t take long before our ‘friendship’ had run its course and I took my leave. The only thing I actually missed was the TV Trivia game which I was sensational at.

Fast forward to autumn 2012 and an idea about how Facebook could be applied to the workplace and to customers was brewing. I decided to renew my acquaintance with the community of 900 million users and do some personal and professional ‘research’.

I was welcomed back warmly and was surprised I was only bereft one ‘friend’ (and sadly one I would also call a ‘real’ friend). There were some snazzy new improvements (relative term) and some baffling changes. It all seemed a bit busy and cluttered but the timeline look was much ‘cleaner’. Were there that many ads before and do I really have to get all those ‘suggested friends’ every bloody time I log in? I don’t have a relationship status so why do I get singles ads? I don’t live in Canberra so why do I get ads for ‘Clicos Cafe and Bar' in Barton? Clearly a marketplace had grown around Fakebook in an alarming way. And if I want to switch those two components off? I’m sure I can but I’m just as sure it’s not simple to find out how.

Noam Chomsky, Naomi Wolf and Alvin Toffler have all talked (and many years ago) about the dangers of us all being commoditized and the essential spirit that makes us human being seen as secondary to what the marketplace can do ‘with’ us. If you want to know how much of a product you have become you only need to sign up to Facebook. You’ll ‘like’ a page and before you know it suddenly you are getting all sorts of ‘cute’ messages which really just cover the fact that they are advertising their latest sale, product of the month, event or platform and you are the spot that ‘houses’ that ad, you are the delivery mechanism for those who visit your page (and every time they do that the Facebook tracker identifies them as a potential mark), you are a DNA rich, oxygen breathing billboard. Well done you and of course you benefit from doing that for those corporations by how again? Talk about freeloading for profit.

In the five years that I have been absent I hoped the level of debate, conversation or contribution would have been raised above the banal, the pointless or the tedious. In fact it seemed worse than it had before (when arguably it could have been put down to users getting acquainted with the medium). And the language; is there no ‘filth filter’? I know one might expect adults to be able to show their language skills without the need to use the foulest of foul language but apparently all bets are off. Obviously I have no right to be offended or bored. Frankly when you drop the F bomb (or worse) all the time you lose the ability to add nuance when you are angry or outraged and it just becomes tiresome. Why does it have to be so ugly and nasty and freaking annoying?

I had made an assumption that Twitter had taken the place of the short ‘announcements’ such as ‘Catching up for coffee with the lovely Mary’ but apparently not because the majority of status updates are of that type. Frankly why would I care? Frankly why would you post that, is it to show how groovy and sociable you are? Is it to show how interesting you are? Wouldn’t the people you are with be the ones who are the most likely to care about what you are doing? Call me and tell me about it, why post it for the world to see (and privacy settings or not dear reader the world CAN see it). Is it a need to be included, to feel valued (oh that again), to be on show, to ‘announce’ everything? Surely not, that would be relevance deprivation syndrome wouldn’t it? It just smacks of neediness and ‘look at me’.

I’ve talked before about the security issues before but I have concluded most really don’t care and have a kind of ignorant bliss that ‘no one can see what I put on there apart from those I have given access to’...this despite evidence and anecdotes to refute that assumption (not to mention the mind boggling rise in internet based crime). It absolutely astounds me the sort of ‘free kicks’ given to hackers, internet trawlers and ‘phish-mongers’ who make a very healthy (albeit dishonest) living monitoring Facebook and the Internet to pounce on another sucker. Why not just throw your driver’s licence and credit card into the middle of the main street and let it happen? And don’t forget to include the message that you’re off to some occasion NOW so your home is available for plundering too. And the Smart phone interface now even tells the baddies how far from home you are which is handy if they're in a bit of a hurry - nice one.

There have been the good times; I have got to know some lovely people (many of whom I never knew but read about by drilling down through all the levels from a friend’s page – the furthest I got was 35 levels down from just one friend’s link), seen some beautiful sights (maybe even copied a few photos), had my spirits lifted (thanks to Celia’s New York and my gorgeous great nephew) and shared in celebrations.

The big problem Fakebook was I always wanted more and you always gave me less.

So it’s time for Fakebook and I to part our ways and move on. There is nothing for me to see there. I can’t keep up, I don’t want to be one of the ‘noticed’ and ‘on show’ (let alone strive to be ‘best in show’), I don’t want to feel ‘better’ because I thought of something to post and I don’t want to feel uncomfortable when I read something that’s just that little bit too personal (or inappropriate) about someone I actually don’t know all that well. I started to worry when I felt a little ‘less’ because I hadn’t updated my status for a day or two – a bit of an 'uh-oh' moment. Even worse was that sinking feeling when I posted something and I didn't get a 'like' (or a visit to my Blog - how could they)...I was almost beoming co-dependent with myself.

I just want to have conversations with people who matter in my life, people who sustain me, nourish me with their ideas and their love, sooth me with their voice, not to ‘act as a friend’ but be one. I’ll dine with them, I’ll talk to them (hopefully in person but a phone will do), I’ll be invited to their weddings, I’ll watch their children grow, we’ll swap books or jokes or (shock) opinions, I will be able to speak frankly and honestly and while they’ll not always agree they won’t judge and they’ll be there when I need them...

Not on line but on hand.